Wednesday, December 30, 2015

She Wanted to Savor Every Moment

{Let me say at the beginning that I lost my entire post last night when I went to add photos. So if this seems choppy or a little off, it's because it just very well might be. Life is all about pressing on.} ;-)

It is hard to believe that the photo in the layout below is already two years old, two years older than this gal just above. It seems impossible that over two years have passed by already, but 51-year-old me knows that it has for sure. Am I the only one that feels that life is hurtling along like a freight train?

Not only does the calendar tell me that two years have gone past, my insides do, too. I look at that gal below sitting at the bar at her favorite restaurant, ready to blow out the solitary candle on the key lime pie, and know she is different today. Not because she looks radically different, or not even because her health or agility has changed any, but mostly because I know how she feels about life is now so radically different.

That gal below in her favorite blue anorak had a hard time at the age of 49 going through a day without her eyes leaking. Adjusting to her first year with a bird having flown the nest, and living daily with her last bird that was yearning so desperately to also be free, was so hard on her heart. Loving is hard. Letting go hurts. Life is pressing. The struggle is real.

It's not that today I love my children any less, or wish for any less time with them. In fact, I adore them more. They are such GOOD young men - men full of promise and hope, and men with good manners and kind hearts, men with amazing senses of humor and entertaining wit. Being with them brings me such JOY. I light up at the sound of their laughter, smile at the sight of their red bearded faces. No, today I do not love life more because I miss my children less. I guess you could say that I love life more because I am finally adapted fully {or as fully as I can be right now} to being the mom of young men, of being an empty nester, of being smack in the middle ages of my life. And, oh, it is such a very good life.

What I love about a birthday most is having my birthday month. Not so much as a month long getting of gifts per se, but just an internal recognition that THIS is the month that I age. I begin a new year. I say goodbye to the old year. I reflect on that very good life, ponder the last several months, commemorate the gal that went through the last year, recognize the gal that came out of it, and prep that gal for a new year. I celebrate ME. I love getting a new year on my birthday, and then I love getting a new year when the calendar turns to the crisp, blank, white grid of January white. 

As I look toward 2016, I am mindful of many things. Some of you may be aware of Ali Edwards' One Little Word concept. I believe she began it in 2011. Or maybe that is just the year her promotion of it reached me. I fell in love with the idea, and I have loved my words. Each and every one of them. Loved them. I don't share much of their story, or how they come to me, but I do share the word, and then I live with it, living presently with it, day by day, for its full year of appointment. I kicked off 2011 with my first word, Light. It was followed by Hope, which was succeeded by Change, and taking me then to Thrive, bringing in my 2015 word, Create. And now Create is giving way to its successor,


enjoy or appreciate (something pleasant) completely, especially by dwelling on it.
"I wanted to savor every moment"
synonyms:relish, enjoy (to the full), appreciate, delight in, revel in, luxuriate in,bask in "she wanted to savor every moment"

My word came to me in November, in my birthday month, in the month where my heart broke over my sister-in-law's passing, and in the month where I had to own an even greater portion of my own mortality, a moment when I had to take off the gloves and own that phrase, "There is no dress rehearsal." When I shared my word with my oldest son, he asked me why I chose that word, because he felt I already did that. Does he not know my word chooses me? I told him, I wanted to be even more intentional about it. Yes, she wanted to savor every moment.

I have a decorative sign in storage, with so many of my other things. It says "Life isn't measured by the breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away." much to ponder there. I miss having that daily reminder staring me in the face. I want to be busier seeking moments that take my breath away. And I want to revel in them. 

And then there is that thought about living life in between the dash,

“It isn’t the date on either end that counts,
but how they used their dash
for that dash between the dates
represents all the time
they spent alive on earth
and now only those who loved them
know what that little line is worth.”

"What that little line is worth...." I want my little line to be worth so much. I don't know what your thoughts are for 2016, or for your dash for that matter, or for any contemplation of your life you might muster. But I do know this. I am here and trying to live fully out of my heart. This is what we have. This moment. This life. This very good life. I want to savor all of it. Yes, my favorite age is now. 

Happy New Year to you and yours. May 2016 be more than you imagine. But more importantly, savor every moment.

My Favorite Age is Now ~ Turning 49 ~ November 2013

Sketch Credit: Scrapbook Generation 
Paper: Basic Jillibean Soup
Title: Silhouette Cut File